Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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