The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Oh god it's open bar.
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