woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
