mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
