Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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