I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize