Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
