alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
