Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
