i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
