#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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