I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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