**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize