i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize