Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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