Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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