Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
