forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just want nice things and good sex
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
