i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
