i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
