dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
