So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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