fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
vagina is talking i cant
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
