Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
