3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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