And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
