Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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