Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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