I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
