no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
