Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
All I want is dick and wine.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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