Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
