The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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