Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize