o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
