Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
