She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
