pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
even my farts smell like vagina
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize