if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
this is an emotional support booty call
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
