I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
