my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
