Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
