Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
