I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
