i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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