i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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