just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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