Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
