Betty ford says i'm here all night
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
