guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
