your parents love me but you hate me
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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