Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
