I need to stop coming to work sober
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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