Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
