I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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