someone get that fucking seahorse.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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