Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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