This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
