Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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