I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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