Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize