I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
