The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize