got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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