why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's official drugs can't kill me
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
