Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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