Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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