im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
