Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
