If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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